You can argue about the aesthetic merits of derelict cars all day long, but there’s no denying that a large population sees them as nothing more than ugly. And to make matters worse, those people vote. Probably because they have a lot of free time that’s not taken up by trying to hammer a firewall to fit an A727 + 440 combination into a Dart, but vote they do nonetheless. And so, a lot of gearheads are affected by poorly-thought-out fascist edicts about not having more than two broken cars on their property at a time.

For years, I’ve been representing shitty car nerds in their quests to obtain more shitty cars. The courts can’t keep me or my attack dog of an attorney from knocking down their terrible legislation in state courthouse after state courthouse. However, we have neither the time nor the resources to win them all (the company Volare keeps breaking down.) For those regions that still have these atrocious rules on the books, we offer an alternative service.


In the course of my travels, I’ve picked up a lot of “free-thinking” individuals. I don’t know if there’s a more polite term for them. There’s not much that society has left for this kind of individual, one who prizes freedom above all else. No one could put them to work. No one could make them into law-abiding, productive members of society. No one but me.

If the Man is harassing you, then call on my guys. They’ll show up in a ratty-ass pickup truck and re-landscape your property around the cars. Suddenly, they’re no longer broken cars, but objets d’art. That’s some First Amendment shit, or whatever it is that lets people draw a comedy mustache on pictures of major religious figures. High society will gather around and debate whether or not the shattered crankshaft of your Mighty Max represents the futility of industrial endeavour or simply the limited tensile strength of the over-porous casting of the counterweight webbing. And when the cop comes around again to bust your ass, you better believe you’ll be able to get a much more sober lawyer than me to represent freedom of expression and art itself.


- seatsafetyswitch (paging David Tracy)

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