You’re Just Some Carmaker That I Used to Know

An Open Letter from the Honda Crosstour to Honda of America Manufacturing.

Dear Honda, I sincerely hope you are doing well. I see the new Civic Type-R is taking the press by storm, and that the revised Odyssey and Pilot are selling like hotcakes at a marijuana rally. I also see you have a new Accord, which is very handsome and understated, especially compared to Toyota’s trying-too-hard Camry.

No more speed bumps in my road to success.

I’m sorry I couldn’t do more to help the company in my few short years there. The late 2000s were an awkward time for the industry – did people want sedans, true SUVs, minivans, or something else? This “something else” we all know today as a Crossover, and if you recall, I was one of your first real forays into this market. We couldn’t have known at the time that a lack of a third row would hurt us, but hindsight is always 20/20, right?

I was able to help your CAFÉ numbers by being branded a truck, even though I was obviously a car. I saved you a small fortune by sharing most of my tooling with the rest of the Accord lineup. I was built in Ohio to save on transportation costs. You even made an Acura version of me, which allegedly only exists based on some grainy pictures from the Pacific Northwest.

I understand that the new Accord is a hatchback, too. That’s an interesting choice, especially in light of how you canceled me so abruptly in 2015. If I’m doing the math correctly, you were already working on R&D for an Accord hatchback when I got the axe. Real classy, guys. You didn’t even bother to tell me to my face. And you say that you texted me, but my lack of text-enabled infotainment is squarely on your shoulders, not mine.

So you say the Accord isn’t really a hatchback. It’s a modern sedan or whatever. Maybe it’s one of those four-door coupes that are all the rage. Guess what? Still a hatchback. And Rachel Dolezal is still a white lady.


Might I remind you that you launched me as the Accord Crosstour? Now that I see it for what it is, dropping the Accord part of the name in 2012 should have raised a lot of red flags for me. Meanwhile the Passat CC, Camry Solara, and Pathfinder Armada all got the same treatment and went on to live very productive, happy lives. Why am I being singled out like this?

No hard feelings. As the saying goes, the best revenge is living well.

His name is Jared.

My new group of friends is made up of pre-GM SAABs, the Ford Flex, Mercedes R350, Kia Rondo, Mazda MPV, Chrysler Pacifica (yeah, the old one), and a few others. We’re starting our own Island of Misfit Cars and, by the way: I’m the new boss. My first job is to say thanks, so if a little Element shows up on your doorstep with a delivery late one night, I suggest you answer it.

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